Ha-Doug!

Billionaire recluse Doug Doucet turns 34 years old today. According to sources, Mr. Doucet will be spending the day with his wife and two or more daughters in his Boston-area mansion. A prepared statement made by a family spokesperson this morning confirmed that Mr. Doucet is in good health, and that he expected to eat cake later today. The family did not report whether the cake would be ice cream cake or one of those store-bought mixes with chocolate icing that you mix up and add.

A source close to the family, speaking on condition of anonymity, reported that an emotional Mr. Doucet was hoping for some "cool Xbox games" as gifts, but feared that he might receive "more pink horsey dolls with purple hair and little combs." Representatives of the family refused to comment on these allegations.

In late 2008, Mr. Doucet's bid for state senate was derailed when photographs of Mr. Doucet's daughters combing his hair with little pink combs and brushes were published on the internet. In the photos, Mr. Doucet's hair had little barrettes with hearts and flowers on them. He dropped out of the race in disgrace soon afterward, and has been in seclusion since.

Happy birthday, Doug! I hope you get all you are wishing for.